Frequently I talk to clients who find out that someone important in their life –spouse, child, sibling, parent– has being hiding something from them. Usually they feel betrayed, they wonder if they will ever be happy again, or they feel alone, like they are the only person in the world experiencing a betrayal of some sort.
I can say with almost 100% surety, that at some point in your life someone will betray you in some form. Let’s be honest. People are NOT perfect. They are not supposed be! Yet when we think they have let us down, it’s like the world has ended!
When coaching a client on some sort of betrayal I usually ask them how they want to feel about the situation. I often get this response:
“I Just Want To Trust Him (Her)!”
It sounds like a nice thought doesn’t it?
I truly believe that trust is essential in a healthy relationship, otherwise there is not much of a relationship. However, this thought can become toxic when someone has just been betrayed.
Would you immediately trust someone who had been hiding a destructive addiction? Or someone who had gossiped about you behind your back? Or a child who is sneaking out behind your back?
You probably wouldn’t be able to trust that person for a while, so thinking that you want to trust them will probably not be helpful to most people.
In fact, you may believe that you won’t be able to trust the person for a while.
And that is ok.
I recommend letting go of the thought that you want to trust this person and focus on being compassionate towards them and yourself.
You may not be able to trust them right now, but if the person you are learning to trust again truly has desires to change and is actively making efforts to change, compassion will feel way better and will yield greater benefits than demanding trust.
Offering compassionate understanding will help the person who is struggling know that even if they mess up along the way, they have someone that is there to support them, not condemn them, along this difficult journey.
