Here are a few real circumstances that have a occurred to me, friends, or relatives that have brought to the surface many thoughts and emotions that have been difficult to overcome:
I have a client who was yelled at and sent angry texts by a neighbor because the neighbor thought my friend had invaded their personal space.
Someone yelled at me once in front of a lot of people.
My daughter held a boy’s hand.
My husband’s boss yelled at him.
In each of these scenarios the person thought that they were the main problem in the situation and that they had done something wrong.
My daughter worried that she led the boy on.
My friend thought she was a horrible person because her friend got angry.
My husband proceeded to beat himself up with his negative thoughts about himself after his boss yelled at him.
I used to think that if anyone behaved negatively towards me I must have done something horribly wrong. I thought I was the worst person in the world when a person yelled at me. I mean, why else would somebody yell at me if I hadn’t done something wrong?
What I’ve come to learn is that even if we behave perfectly all the time a person’s response to us is more about what is going on in their head than anything that we might do.
Someone could have an internal critical dialogue and so anything you say could be portrayed as critical.
Or if someone feels like you have invaded their personal space, maybe they had some sort of traumatic experience in the past and now see everyone as trying to invade their space.
Holding a boys hand doesn’t mean you are leading him on, unless he thinks it means that.
Give people space to think and believe whatever they want to believe because we can’t change what they think.
However, next time you start berating yourself when someone treats you unkindly, or you think you didn’t behave appropriately, take a step back and honestly question what happened. Apologize for your part in it, if you need to, and move on. Try on the thought that it is possible you did not do anything wrong!
