My sister called me the other day to tell me that she broke up with her boyfriend. He was pretty upset about it and kept doing things, like sending her How to Win Friends and Influence People in the mail, to provoke a reaction out of her. He even posted their break up all over Facebook and tagged her! Yikes!!
What would you do?
What did my sister do?
Thankfully, she has a good head on her shoulders and she untagged herself and ignored the rest.
I know it was hurtful to her and a little embarrassing, but she didn’t defend herself to him or to Facebook world.
Because she didn’t defend herself she is able to look back on her behavior with positive thoughts and know that she showed up as the kind of person she wanted to be.
When we think about finding peace and joy in our lives, one thought is very useful to remember:
A defense is still an attack!
I know that sounds a little crazy when you aren’t the one who started an argument, but it’s true.
Let’s think about why castles were built. When a kingdom attacked another kingdom they used weapons, likes bows and arrows, catapults etc. How does the defending kingdom respond?
They usually respond back in the same way they were attacked! The castle’s walls were built so that they could shoot weapons back without getting injured. They may be defending their castle but they are in essence also attacking.
When a country is attacked it is often appropriate for the defensive country to respond back in the same manner.
However . . . .
When dealing with people, defending ourselves often causes us to lose our power and influence. Defending ourselves in the same way we were attacked is called mirroring. We mirror the same type of behavior back to the other person and end up in an argument which often escalates the problem.
The challenge in life is to act and not react. How many times do we find ourselves responding back to our young children in the same way they whine or yell at us? Or what about when our husbands are a little grumpy coming home from deployment or from a bad day at work?
We have the power to tune into our higher brain and decide not engage in their same type of behavior. We can count to ten, walk away, or maybe even own that we did do something wrong and apologize. Each situation will be different.
So, next time you find yourself wanting to defend yourself just remember this:
A defense is still an attack!
